Dating Misadventures: Coffee Shop Date

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Let me share a ChatGPT haiku about dating:

Flickering screens glow,

Echoes of hearts left unmet,

Lonely swipes in vain.

Dating is exhausting and I ready to accept my spinster fate. The woes of dating have been slowly crushing my soul. I make connections with people who seem super cool and then they turn out to be the scum of the earth. It's emotionally draining to talk to 30+ people over the apps and hope that they ask you out. 

This month I was done with the chat roulette and I decided that I wanted to be proactive about going out on dates. I put in my Bumble bio: "I hate chatting forever, let's just go on a date". To my surprise I got a compliment from a guy and he said he agreed with me. I immediately swiped to match, and we made plans to meet up a few weeks later. We matched when I was on a NYC trip so we scheduled a coffee date for two weekends after. 

I meet him at the coffee shop and I was shocked when he reached for a hug upon meeting. I am not a particularly touchy person so I was a bit awkward. He was a lot taller than I had anticipated and he towered over me, so it was probably not the most comfortable hug for him either. We ordered our drinks and he paid for my chai. Since he was sweaty from walking over I suggested sitting outside because it was roasty toasty in the shop. We sat outside and I immediately regretted it. It was rainy and cold and the wind cut right through my canvas Converse. 

We chatted for 2 hours straight. I asked a lot of questions about his former religion, his job, degree, and volunteer drama from the valley (it was juicy). I will be honest, I typically ask a lot a questions on the first date because I have a hard time sitting in silence. Sometimes I think I almost go into job interview mode on dates. 😬As I sat through the date I started to realize that we did not have a lot in common, but I am a certified chatter and I love human connection. 

He seemed nice and I thought that we were vibing. I walked to my car and sent a quick thank you text. I let him know that I had a good time and thank him for buying my drink. This was his response:

"I had such a good time talking to you. You have a presence that is very fun to be around and you are very easy to talk to. I don't want to lead you on or play any games. So I'm going to be honest, I don't see us being compatible for anything super serious or long-term. I would love to build a friendship if that is something you would be interest in. I would love to learn more about you and your hobbies and passions. Or if you want to keep pursing something more romantic than platonic I wouldn't be opposed, you are super cute and sweet, but I just want you to know going into it don't see it going any further than a fling. Sorry if this is too direct, but I don't want either of us getting hurt, and I'm at a point in my life where I need friends more than a significant other, so I don't want to make this messy and ruin any chance at friendship."

 Let's take a moment to break this down:

  1. I am grateful that he didn't ghost or lead me on. 
  2. Could he have phrased his rejection differently?? Yes, but it's better not to waste time on something that is not going anywhere.
  3. He was a nice person and I am glad I met him.
  4. I said that I would be fine being friends, but I think we may be too different to have a lasting friendship.
  5. I am in a place where I am looking for something serious, and so I am focusing my energy on finding a long-term partner. I wish more guys in my dating pool were ready to be good partners, but most of the ones I have met are not.
  6. WHAT DOES HE MEAN????? 
    • He is not the first guy to tell me that I would be a good time girl (fling) but that I am not what they are looking for in a long-term relationship. I am not sure what sort of energy I am putting off on dates, but perhaps I need to reevaluate my approach.


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