Dating Misadventures: The Long Distance Date

When I was in NYC last November I matched with a few guys. One of them was ethically monogamous so I was immediately not interested. The other guy seemed pretty normal. He really wanted to meet up but I had caught a cold from my friends so I was really not up to meeting him in real life. We chatted all day on Sunday and I left Monday morning. I expected to never hear from him again, so imagine my surprise when he called me on Tuesday morning. I texted him and said, "Um... Did you butt dial? Why are you calling me at work? Don't you have a job?" He texted back and said that he meant to call and to call me back during my lunch. I expected to chat for 15 minutes tops, but we ended up chatting for 45 minutes. We talked about religion, soaking, BYU, our favorite episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and movies we both liked. It was a very nice and wholesome conversation until he said, "Do you want to know how I lost my virginity?" I listened politely and at one point I said, "Wow josh, that sounds like it was a really hard experience". He responded, "No that was the problem, I couldn't stay hard". I chastised him for not practicing safe sex and then I went back to work. 

He wanted to chat when I got off work, but I was at the gym. He called the next day and I chatted as I got ready for the gym. I told him about my interview (for the position I got!!!) and I told him how well i think the second interview went (I thought I bombed the first one). He listened for about 20 minutes before making things sexual. He asked me about my celebrity crushes and I told him Adam Driver, Adam Scott and Paul Rudd. He said his celebrity crush was Megan Fox (typical). He told me that he does not have a type. He likes a girl with a nice smile, pretty eyes, and big boobs and butts. (ugh. men)

Josh then tried to make me guess how big I thought his penis was. He told me that he is 5'7 with a size 9 shoe. I told him, "Dude. I didn't learn penis conversion math in school. Like is there a formula or something?" He then started to Facetime me. I was doing my physical therapy exercises outside the work gym, so thankfully no one was around. The first thing he said when we connected was, "Please don't judge the room I'm in." So of course I demanded a tour. He scanned the room and let me tell you, it was a relic! It was painted a dusty pink, had ancient furniture, and creepy old art on the walls. I exclaimed, "Omg. Where are you?? Please tell me that's not your apartment." He informed me that he was in his grandpa's spare bedroom (that should have been my one of many red flags). Finally he moved on to showing me other things.... my response was, "Ummmm congratulations, it's a penis." 😬

He continued to reach out a few times after that, but my deadpan responses to all of his attempts to talk dirty eventually wore him down. I was so sarcastic and honestly a bit rude when he started that crap. I like emotional and intellectual connections and it felt like he did not value either of those things. I was relieved when he stopped calling. I didn't know how to end things so him ghosting me was a blessing. Up until a few weeks ago I totally forgotten about him, but I pulled up a note in my phone at church last week and all the memories came flooding back.