Dating Misadventures: In Situationship Recovery

I met my birthday twin at the end of February and things progressed rather ummm... quickly. In the span of two weeks I went from never holding hands with a guy or having my first kiss to much much more.  😬

To be honest, I was not physically attracted to him at first but my parents encouraged me to not be picky and to give him a chance. As I got to know him I really liked his personality. He was nice, funny, smart, and a good listener. The more I liked his personality the more I felt attracted to him. I liked spending time with him and always felt like the time flew by. We hung out pretty regularly for a few weeks and I was convinced that we were going to take the next steps to being in a relationship. I was DELUSIONAL. All the signs were there that he was looking for a good time and not a long time. Unlike coffee shop boy, my birthday twin did not tell me, "I just want you to know going into it don't see it going any further than a fling." His actions, however, said the same thing. 

I haven't been able to enjoy my romcom books since this whole situation because they make me mad. Words and actions matter and I was so blind to the fact that he did not want to be with me. I hate the  saying "if he wanted to, he will", but honestly, I think they may be onto something. 

I have been stewing on the whole experience for the last month and a half. I was over the breakup in a day or so, but I have been overanalyzing every interaction we had and what I did wrong. I have been trying to figure out exactly what it is about me that make men think of me as "not a relationship type".

In my moments of contemplation I realized that every time we hung out I was the one to initiate. He never planned anything!! As soon as we established a regular text conversation (which started very soon after meeting for the first time) I couldn't stop thinking about him during the day, and anxiously awaited his texts. I found myself hoping for cancelled plans so I could go hang out with him. It was not good. I have since learned more about anxious attachment styles and limerence. Being a person with anxious attachment I really should not have engaged in a situationship. I wanted him to want me so badly that I was completely illogical in my approach to our relationship. He never promised anything but I was married to a hope that he would choose me. I am typically a logical person, but the choices I made when I was in limerence are questionable.

I look back at the few weeks I spent with him and CRINGE. I threw myself at a man who was lukewarm about me (at best). I honestly feel really disappointed in my actions. I wish I would have had more confidence and wherewithal to realize that I didn't mean anything to him. Mistakes are a vital part of the learning experience, but damn do they suck. 

Leading up to the end of things I knew he was pulling away. I told my roommate that I was pretty sure he was going to end things, and she said I was just being anxious. I could sense a tone change in his messages and he acted really weird at the volunteer event I invited him to. About two weeks into knowing each other I invited him to volunteer at a library event. The day before the event I told him, "You know, you don't really have to come. I didn't put you on the volunteer list, so you can drop out." I was kind of hoping that he would backout (like I said, he was acting a bit weird). He didn't. 

He showed up to the event and was super great with the kids. We ran a STEM activity inspired by The Cat in the Hat, I was a little sad that we didn't get BINGO, but he did great. He made an example for the kids and it was adorable to see him interact with them. As I watched him interact I thought, "Oh no. I think I really like him, but I do not think he likes me that much." We had planned to go to dinner but when the moment came to go he tried to back out. I was hungry and exhausted from working all day and I was like, no you said we were going to go to dinner so we are going to dinner. We planned to go to a Mexican restaurant, I called him as we were driving and I said, "Look. I'm so tired and I do not have it in me to go eat out. Can we just grab take out and go back to your house?" He agreed and we went to his house. I brought comfy clothes in my workout bag so I changed as soon as we got back to his place. We ate Indian food and made out. We tried to watch the Green Knight, but sadly Dev Patel (hottie supreme) could not save the poorly written movie. I will admit that I may have freaked him out because I brought all my nighttime routine stuff (i.e. my bonnet, sleep mask, hygiene stuff, etc.).  In my defense, I had already spent the night twice so I didn't think it was a big deal. I think it was, in fact, a big deal, because things got even more uncomfortable after that. 

I spent the next couple days sad because I knew that a break up was imminent. He didn't text as much and had dodged my many attempts to make weekend plans. I cried to my parents and they said, "Why don't you just let him go? It's not like you have anything invested in him". That's when I told them that I actually felt invested because I had slept with him. Things got real quiet after that. I explained that I felt a connection and that I was so stupid to think that it was going to be anything more. I made a conscious choice, despite the urgings of my sisters to not move forward. I regret not being with someone who was committed to me. 

The dreaded day came on Monday March 18th, 2024. I had a FaceTime date with another guy at 6pm, it was fine. Although, it should be noted that it was MUCH better than the drink date the day before (see limeade post). I had plans with my birthday twin at 7:30pm. I thought, "Dang, birthday twin is going to break up with me, but I really want to date him. I can't go anymore of these god-awful first dates." I walked into his apartment and things felt off. I had so much anxiety about seeing him in person and the pit in my stomach got even worse walking into his apartment. We played a few games, Monopoly Deal and Mastermind (two games he taught me how to play) and my alarm went off after an hour. I will admit that I was a bit bratty about setting an alarm, because he said that he needed space and couldn't spent unlimited time with me (a conversation we had on the Saturday before). I noticed that he sat as far away from me as he could and would not even touch my hand. At this point I wanted to say something, but I didn't know how to say it. I am not proud of my next words...I looked at him and said, "Sooooooo. Do you want to make out?" He looked at me and said, "Actually, I think we are done." I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. The air rushed out of me and I nodded my head and said, "Okay". He goes on to say, "I am really jealous of your friends." I struggled to put my Converse on at his door (worst shoes to wear to a breakup). I gave him a closed lip smile and said, "Thanks. I am pretty great. Well, this was fun." He then asked if he could walk me to my car. I pasted a smile on my face and said, "No thanks. I can walk myself to my car." I got out to my car and the tears started falling. I sobbed as I drove. I ended up calling him when I was 5-minutes from my house. The first thing he said was, "I knew you were going to call". I asked him why and tried to keep from crying (I failed). He said that I had too much energy and blah blah blah about how great I am but he couldn't handle it. I was devastated. 

I went on a walk with my roommate to clear my head. I walked and walked and walked. I left my phone at home so I wouldn't be tempted to text him. I ruminated on what I wanted to say. I busted out the laptop because I had a lot to write and a phone was not sufficient for the things that needed to be shared. I thanked him for the time we had together and for his patience. I expressed my thoughts on how we could have worked on things and my overall disappointment in his decision. We had a back-and-forth that finally ended with him saying that he needed a break before we could be friends. I cried about the experience for about a day, I realized that crying doesn't solve anything. 

I have now come to peace about the situation but I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out. 

1. Even with protection a baby is not 100% impossible. 13/100 people who use condoms during intercourse get pregnant. STD's are also in the realm of possibility even with protection. 
2. I really wanted to be wanted. The desperation to be wanted made me ignore every single red flag he presented. My sisters warned me to stay away from him and to move on, but I didn't listen. 
3. If there is no effort or commitment in the beginning of a relationship then it's not a relationship. 
4. If you have to convince/gaslight yourself into liking someone maybe you shouldn't be with them. 
5. If the only time you spend with a person is in the dark and you don't wear your glasses you may be trying to be blind so you don't actually have to see the person. 😬
6. If he literally never takes you out or plans anything he does not want to be your boyfriend. 
7. If you feel emotionally attached to this person and can't stop thinking about them after a short time you may be in limerence or be experiencing anxious attachment style.  
8. It's not the best idea to continue texting someone who hurts your feelings.
9. "You might think you have no "right" to feel sad when a situationship ends because you believe the relationship was never "real" or "legitimate" in the first place. But here's the thing: Human hearts can't read romantic "labels." -Psychology Today
10. NEVER LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS FOR A MAN!

Update: 

After saying that he needed a few weeks of space he texted me 8-days after to "check in". We have texted pretty consistently for a few months now, and at first it was really hard for me. We went from a FWB situation to penpals. My brain really could not understand what was happening, and my emotions were out of whack. One Saturday I pulled up to the new library in town and ran into my dad and little brothers. We were hanging out when I see my Birthday Twin walking up the stairs arm-in-arm with another girl. I saw him before he saw me and I tried not to react. When he saw me he dropped her arm and did the awkward wave thing. I reciprocated the wave and grimaced once they had passed. My dad whisper yelled, "Who is that???!!" I mouthed, "That's Parker and he's on a date". My dad literally let his jaw drop open, and I had to remind him to close his mouth. He then shook his head, looked at me and said, "Oh Lauren. You could have done wayyyy better". I laughed, gathered my books and peaced out real quick because I did not want to see them again. It was just my luck that they left at the exact same time and I had to walk behind them to my car.