Therapy Notes: Reframing the Experience and Learning from Mistakes

I started therapy again about two weeks ago. I have had really terrible anxiety for years and very recently experienced a depressive episode that lasted 1.5 years due to extreme burnout. I have always been an overachiever and being in a prolonged depressive state was very difficult for me. I ended up gaining 40 pounds during this period and hit my highest weight ever, 280 pounds. It was bad. My mental and physical health was deteriorating and I was generally unwell.  

After taking control of my physical health again post-surgery (May 2023) I felt my mental health improving as well. My new job has been mentally stimulating and I feel fulfilled at work. I also started making plans with my post-work time. I exercise, spend time with friends and family, hike, take classes, volunteer, read, and do fun craft projects. My therapist's notes identify me as a "well-rounded person".  

Post-situationship I realized that my mental health was not where it needs to be to engage in a healthy romantic relationship. I wanted him to want me so badly that I ignored all the things that bothered me about him and committed to sticking things out. It bothered me that he never made a real effort to spend time with me, and that I was always the instigator. I also felt that he was not as invested as I was, but attributed his apathy to his "introverted nature". I learned in therapy today that one of my most important values is "connection". I felt like we had a strong connection, but really it was me desperately searching for a connection with him. My therapist described his behavior as, "I'm going to get what I want with little effort". She pointed out that I ignored my core values and engaged with a person that was not willing to serve my needs. She helped me realize that I was creating what I wanted (a relationship) with the wrong person. The question she asked me to consider is, "Do you think you will have to try so hard in a relationship with the right person?" The answer, of course, is no. I deserve so much more than I was given in my situationship, and I am deserving of love. 

My therapist encouraged me to use the situationship to inform my future relationships and to move forward. I told her about my spreadsheet and how I use it to reflect on my behavior during dates, what I learned from each person, and growth that I experienced in each situation. When she asked what apps I use she said, "Please don't say Tinder". I abashedly told her that I am on Tinder, haha. I told her that even though I did not initially like Parker, he was normal(ish) and a million times better than the other guys I met on dates. I shared, "I went on so many bad dates, he was the best of the worst. He was the lesser of all evils. I settled because I was convinced that there was no way I could do better." She said, "Lauren, there is no reason to settle for Mr. Right Now when Mr. Right is out there." Regarding Parker she said, "You don't have to be with him, you just have feelings for him which is natural for the experiences you had together. It's just a feeling it's not informing your actions. If I were to take a poll asking your parents, siblings, friends, and me (your therapist) about Parker, it would be resounding NO, he is NOT the right person." 

She asked me if I regret the things that happened with him. I responded, "No I don't regret the experience, but I do wish it was with someone who cared about me more." I explained that a few of my friends have struggled with the physicality of sex and that it was something I was worried about, so in a way I am glad I got that "out of the way". I am really sad that it wasn't with someone who actually wanted me, I think that's the worst part. I think the most difficult thing about the situation is that he said he wanted to be friends when he ended things with me, and I agreed. We have texted regularly since he reached out again (8 days after ending the situationship). It kills me every time we go on walks or chat via text. I understand that he does not want me romantically, but I don't know why he still wants to be friends. For the life of me I can't figure out why I keep entertaining him.

I read through my therapists notes and this made me laugh, "Relationship status - single and dating response 'Unfortunately yes, which is why I need therapy'". At the end of today's session she said, "Lauren I hope you know that what you said about the guy being the best of the worst is going to stick with me forever."