Mental Health Awareness

- October 20, 2019

Teaching is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have never had a job that makes me feel so happy and fulfilled. My students are amazing, many of them are hard workers, and they each have such vibrant personalities. They inspire me to work hard and become a better teacher. Teaching is also really difficult. It is emotionally taxing, and I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I am expected to do.

A few weeks ago I was started feeling overwhelmed by the needs of my students. How can I teach these kids how to read and write? They should have learned these skills forever ago. What can I really do to make a difference? What is going to happen to them when they leave the school next year? Are they going to be able to succeed in high school? I am coming into teaching without any real training on how to teach students with special needs and yet I am expected to write IEP's to help them. I feel like I am causing more harm than helping.

I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on because I figured the feelings would eventually go away. Last Sunday a familiar numbness came back into my life. My mission was the first time I ever experienced the absence of feelings. The numbness occurred sporadically throughout college when I wasn't getting enough sleep, working too much, and taking way too many credits. Dark thoughts filled my mind, instead of going away after a few days they got progressively worse. I struggled to find anything to be happy about, my positive outlook on life had disappeared.

I put on a show for my students, many students told me over the past week that they have never met anyone as happy and positive as me. I laughed and thanked them, but these comments just made me feel more like a fraud. Am I really that good at hiding how I feel? Is that healthy? What happens when the facade fades and they see how miserable and broken I actually am?

I am still struggling but things are getting better. I have supportive and loving roommates, family members, and friends who constantly remind me of the good in the world.

Today I went over some of the notes I took during a conversation with my dad a few weeks ago. I told him about how much I wanted to make a difference in the lives of my students but how hopeless I felt in that pursuit. My students have been marginalized by the education system. They are dealing with years of neglect and educational trauma. Many of my students have been told that they are stupid and they have internalized that. They believe that they are not good students, so they've given up on themselves. It is heartbreaking.

To give my dad's quote some context, I am a perfectionist. Perfectionism is something I struggle with in every single aspect of my life. As a teacher I am learning that nothing will ever go according to plan in the classroom, being flexible is important, and that sometimes having a beautiful PowerPoint does not mean a lesson is going to be successful. "Remember that you can't save everybody. Encourage and help your students everyday. It is the daily interactions that will make the biggest difference in their lives. You cannot save everyone, but you can help people by doing the best you can. You are putting too much pressure on yourself to make a big difference. Lauren, you need to remember that small differences matter too."

It is so easy to get overwhelmed. It is easy to become enveloped in anger, especially with all the injustices found in education. It takes a lot of effort to embrace imperfection. I am fighting against my instinct to give up when things do not go the way I want them to. I am learning to teach my students where they are and not where the book tells me they need to be. I am trying to be a positive force in the lives of my students. I want them to know that I love them and that I believe in their ability to succeed. I face my inner demons walking into that school every morning. I fail every single day. I am not a perfect teacher, and my students are not perfect students. We are learning from our mistakes, differences, and yes, our numerous imperfections. I am learning to accept imperfections as opportunities to learn.

Please reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I will listen to you, bring you dinner, whatever you need, I am here for you! I know what it is like to be consumed by sadness and feelings of self-doubt. It is incredibly difficult but I know that things will get better!

<3 Lauren