Sorry for Your Loss

My 3-years of full-time teaching have felt like a lifetime. I loved so many things about teaching, and I think about it everyday. I miss interacting and collaborating with my coworkers, teaching students, creating relationships with my students and seeing their growth through the year. There were also a lot of things that I didn't love about teaching. Ultimately, I had to leave because my mental health had gotten so bad. I was not able to be emotionally present for myself or for my students. I was emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mental drained. 

I compiled this list of reasons for leaving in December 2021, a few weeks before my last day teaching. I felt awful for leaving mid-year, but I had nothing left to give. 

1. I have never called in sick or taken days off, even after being assaulted on my way to work. I always showed up for my students. I got to work early every single day and dedicated hours after school to IEP writing, grading, and lesson planning. In October, I was exposed to COVID at work and showed symptoms so I had to self-isolate. I taught virtually for three days even though I felt terrible. I got tested a few days later, but it came back negative. My boss then had the nerve to act like I was faking being sick.

2. I took two extra days off after Thanksgiving and specifically requested a substitute (weeks in advance). I recorded myself teaching the lessons and left detailed notes and worksheets. The principal did not get a substitute and expected my coworkers to cover me. While on break, I got multiple calls from the paraprofessional because she couldn't figure out how to deliver my lesson. It's incredibly unfair that my school didn't fulfil my request to have a substitute come in. I’m just one freaking teacher and I am expected to do way too much. 

3. I advocated for my students to get a high school class added to their middle school program. My kids told me they wanted to get the credit and I really believed in them. I gave up my second prep to do it, so it created more work for me. Then the kids were jerks every time I tried to teach it. It was so stressful to get the students to complete the work. I felt incredibly disillusioned with the students, and it really made me question my desire to stay in education. I burnt myself out doing something I thought the kids would appreciate. Now I’m disappointed in them and I can’t go back from that. (Obviously this is “me” problem. I put way to much on my plate.)

4. Out of 16 students I have 11 with IEPS. We haven’t had a full time counselor all year, so I have pretty much been doing them on my own. The principal told me to have them all done by October which was obviously unrealistic. “Just take two days and hold back to back meetings.” (Uhhhhh... What about the all the hours I need to WRITE them?) I have been holding meetings multiple times a week, and dedicating so much time before and after work to writing the IEPs. It’s ludicrous to expect me to complete all this work by myself, while also completing my daily duties. When I asked for help they just had someone enter information into the “copy and paste” parts of the IEP. 😑

5. So many of the parents this year are wild. I am getting texts all the time. They always believe their student's and blame everyone else for the crap their kids do. There was a fight between two students and the moms wanted to come up and fight each other. I called a parent to tell them that their daughter was wandering outside instead of going to the after school program and she was mad disrespectful to ME. 🙄 I was like “save that energy for her daughter ma’am”.

6. I’m exhausted. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally drained. I can’t keep sacrificing my happiness for the sake of other people. I feel bad about leaving the kids mid-year but I am so miserable. This school year has been so bad that when I sit on the bus on my way to work I sit in silence and think about killing myself. I am tired of always being stressed and constantly being asked to give more and more work. I just want a 9-5 job where I can leave work behind after clocking out. I am tired of using my personal time to complete work tasks, because there is not enough time in the day to complete them.

7. Being a special education teacher is a thankless job. I love working with my students and seeing them thrive. However, it feels like our job is never done. No lie, I started getting jealous of the Gen Ed teacher because she can come to work, do her lesson plans, teach and then leave. She doesn’t have to deal with all the extra paperwork that I have to do. It’s astounding the difference of the workloads between SPED and Gen Ed teachers.

8. The principal took a problematic paraprofessional and put her at our site. As though we needed anymore issues. The para was literally sent from Hell because Satan didn't want her anymore. She never knows what’s going on, even though I have made her a schedule. She is constantly losing the schedule, taking calls in the middle of my class, yelling at the students, getting in fights with students, calling student's stupid, and playing video games (sound on) in the middle of my class. The student's have asked me to remove her from my class multiple times. She can't help the student's because she has no idea what's going on. She rude, aggressive, and has no social skills to speak of. It's like having a disrespectful adult student in my class. 

05/27/2023: It has taken more than a year to mentally recover from the trauma of teaching. Again, I loved so many aspects of teaching, but the workload was unrealistic and soul-crushing. I was the defacto leader at my school my 3rd year because no one else would step up. I was so inexperienced and had way too much responsibility placed on me. I learned so much in my years at the school. If I had to go back, I would still choose to teach there. I have made lifelong friends with staff and students, and I love them so much. I learned about teaching and supporting students, setting boundaries, and a ton of technical skills. Back in January 2023 I got to see some of my 1st and 2nd year students and my heart was bursting with pride! So many of them pushed through life's obstacles and are graduating in June. If the opportunity to teach were to come up again, I would consider it. However, I would have to set very clear boundaries before accepting any position. Teaching is my calling, but it's just not a safe place for me at this moment.